Raw & Real.

If this past year has proven anything to me, it's sincerely shown me what a strong bad ass and a major force of pure emotion all bottled up in this little body.  See what I did there? Bottled up?  Nobody wants to or should want to bottle things up but instead set them free and unburden yourself from the negative stress that ravages the body.  I wouldn't wish anxiety, depression & panic attacks on my worst enemy because they are indeed crippling and anybody who has ever experienced them, knows what effects stress can have on our bodies, as well as our minds.  These past 10 months of my life have been interesting to say the least.  Everybody who knows me, reads my articles/blogs, reads my Facebook and Instagram posts pretty much knows that almost 99.8% of my postings are geared towards positive thoughts, affirmations and advice concerning health, fitness and the like.  And if you are really someone who I consider to be a great friend, you pretty much can read between the lines and figure out that all those positive postings are really therapy....for myself.  For example, I posted something just last week to the effect of 'everything happens for a reason; just breathe because it's going to be alright.'  True, someone reading that might have gotten some healing from it but that was a bit of self-talk for myself.  In our society, we tend to ignore feelings of strong people.  WHY?  

Well, strong people don't need comforting, right?  Oh God, I can't begin to tell you what's wrong with that statement.  First off, many, if not all of those strong-on-the-surface people are the very ones that need support, checked-on to make sure everything's okay once in a while and comforted just as much as anybody else. Especially those who put everybody and everything before themselves......i.e. ME! lol.  If I am going through something in my life but I know somebody else that I care about is experiencing something that I know I can assist or help them with, I usually put my problems on the back-burner, fire up a new burner on the stove top and tend to that person's problems.  This usually leaves my problems and issues, left to get scorched while left on that back-burner, unsolved.  It's really a tiring gig, let me tell you and if you know what I'm talking about, put your hands up!  Being a fixer/healer/counselor....whatever word you have for it if fine but it also prints a label on your back that says, my feelings don't really matter to me as long as you're okay.  

Was I always like this?  On some level, yes.  I just didn't start really recognizing it until recently.  When I was a kid, I was always taught to help, so I did just that.  When I grew into adulthood, that virtue carried through with me.  I mean, I'm not a complete push-over here....what else I have learned in these past few months is how standing up for myself really has leveled the played field for me personally, as well as professionally in a positive and yes, a negative way.  That helpful nature of mine has caused me to find myself in spots that either crippled my own sense of self or hindered cause for positive change due to my own hangs-ups and idiosyncrasies.  

I'm not going to get into specifics, but a number of scenarios from earlier this year caused me to experience panic attacks, not a whole many of them but enough to ask myself "Where is this coming from?!"  We live in an age of people walking around like zombies due to the overuse of medications being taken for anxiety and depression.  The very idea of me taking any sort of anti-anxiety med gives me, well, anxiety!  Yes, I do think that these medications have their rightful place in the medical community for people but on a personal level, I just can't succumb to cross over to the dark side, mainly because I, in recent months, have been able to pull myself out of my depression.  

So why am I writing about all of this?  So it can possibly reach someone else who is in a dark hole.  To show people that amid all the smiles, positive posts and laughs....the truth of the matter is that we all hurt.  We all cry and we all need to hear from someone ever now and then that it's all going to be okay, no matter how bad things seem.  I'm also writing this to release bad mojo that may be lingering in my system and causing me to act negatively in certain situations and not be the John that I know I am.  To the people that I inspire, thank you for sticking with me for however long because the support does not go unnoticed.  If any of you feel that you are stuck in a bad place, GET HELP and don't wait for things to improve on their own.  You are only making things worse by telling yourself that.  There is absolutely no shame in sharing your story with people who are willing to hear it, no matter how bad you think that it is.  We're all in this game together so let's help each other out.  

                                                   STOP. BREATHE. SMILE.  You got this.