Authenticity: Who are we and what do we NEED to be?
Most people know by now that I work in the health &
fitness arena and I couldn’t be happier and more gratified by the awesome
intrinsic rewards that I receive from people every day; telling me how much
they helped me on their road to a better, healthier life. I
received a performance review recently and the staff who were performing the
review would always put in a ‘you’ve really turned their life around’ or ‘you
saved their life from being a total disaster for them’. I’m elated to be doing this work and let’s
face it, nobody would be in the career that they’re in unless they felt
compelled to do it for some sort of intangible reward. But when does the focus tend to start to
become a little foggy for yourself? When
do you lose sight of your goals and aspirations because you are so wound up in
helping others meet their goals and gaining access to a healthier, more
fulfilling life? Well, this is kind of
where I’m at right now…not so much at a crossroads but more of a life
re-evaluation, if you will. Like I
stated above, I love my work. Nothing
gives me a bigger thrill than knowing I’ve helped a person on the road to a
better life and an improved sense of self-worth for themselves. I’ve always been about helping others,
whether it be in Social Work, Education, Medical or Fitness, the goal has
always been about finding a way to expound on yourself, mentally and
physically. But as I wrap myself in
everyone else, I’ve lost focus on me and what it is that I need to focus on for
my personal development as an adult. We
all get to this place from time to time in our lives, if we didn’t, we wouldn’t
grow as individuals. Some of you reading
this might be saying to yourself, “What really does he have to complain
about? He works in a gym for God’s
sakes!” I am not looking to have a pity party for myself, nor am I looking for
any kind of sympathy from the likes of other people. What I really need is the exact opposite, to
be perfectly honest. I have a good life
right now IMO and I always want to keep learning, exploring and evolving myself
into the quality and upstanding good person that I am. But sometimes and this goes for everyone,
don’t you just need a good boot in the ass?
Developing myself in the fitness field has been the primary focus for me
these past few months and I’m starting to, finally make some positive
headway. In addition to being a
full-time personal trainer, I am now teaching Zumba classes one night a week
and hope to be adding another class at a different location very soon! (Deets to follow soon😊)
It’s all very fun, exciting & exhausting some of the time but that is what
keeps me going honestly. The rigorous
demands of the everyday hustle, ask any up and coming person in a field where
marketing yourself and your talents is the primary focus of your job. But amid the hustle, how does one remain
authentic and true to themselves and their core values while still facing the
pressures of ever-changing demands of society and its needs? How does anyone be authentic these days when much
of what we’re told and what we see is recycled and so fabricated?
I think we need to start by asking ourselves, “Who am
I?” If you have studied any once of
psychology or have watched countless Dr.
Phil episodes, you know that people are layered, multi-faceted individuals
who are often motivated by their passions.
On a personal level, I’ve spent the better part of my short adult life
trying to define my role in society and it hasn’t been a picnic let me tell
you! In a professional manner, the roles
that usually defined me were that in the forms of a teacher, assistant &
counselor…. a guide for children and adults alike to gather information from to
get on their way down this road we call life.
But something always felt like it was missing but I really wasn’t sure
what it was that was lacking. I worked
with kids for much of my working life because that’s all I ever knew, it was my
safe card out of a hectic life of appointments, clients and the like. Sometime around 2004, back when I was in
college at Penn State, I was tired of looking average so I decided to get in
shape and do something for myself. I
never knew that this was the first step in what now is my career. In college, authenticity and I didn’t mix,
for many reasons. I felt so phony at
tomes it was enough to make you want to just hide under a rock until the
feeling was gone but that was the issue: it never left. I hated feeling like I was always less than
everyone else during those years and I often struggled to understand why? What sets me apart from my friends and
classmates? Why is everybody else so
focused on their careers and know what they want out of life and I don’t? I found out a few years later that while they
seemed to have it all together in college, all those friends and classmates of
mine were just as confused as I was about how we were going to make it in this
world as stable, financially adept adults.
And I also discovered that if we were supposed to know everything about
how our lives were going to be from that point on, what is the sense of living
and questioning every now and then? I’ve
started telling my clients who tell me that they are so weak and out of shape
they can’t lift any weights that ‘you need to learn to crawl before you learn
to walk.’ My former trainer Andy is
usually ringing in my ears when I say that because he used to say the same to me. And it’s very truthful…. babies don’t start
out just knowing how to walk. They must
try and try, usually failing the first few times before they are stable enough
and strong enough to accomplish the task.
Adults are no different. Every
time we are faced with a task, we generally have to try out a few ideas before
we find one that is worthy of finding a solution to the problem at hand. That’s a part of being authentic, having the
willingness to fail at something to help make you better in the long run.
I’ve failed miserably – many times, I really cannot begin
to tell you! Especially in recent years, with trying and trying for what seemed
like endless hours all that failing has taught me a few things: the first is that, we NEED to fail. Without failure, there’s no lesson to be
learned. That’s another bit of clarity
I’ve received over the years. Life is a balancing act of learning, trying,
failing and getting up again, dusting yourself off and trying it all over
again. It’s an endless circle of life
really. (cue Elton John on the piano) But it’s very true because we do it, day
in and day out and sometimes, usually, makes us want to rip our hair out. All those tests you flunked, all those
deadlines you missed and all those failed relationships you’ve had, has made
you into the person that you are today and you should be proud of those
failures, for without them, who knows where any of us would be and what paths
we might be on. SO instead of looking at
failure as a bad thing, I think we need to change the dialogue with failing and
call it out for what it really is:
alternatives to succeeding in the ‘norm.
A
series that I absolutely loved as a kid on television was and still is Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maude
Montgomery. The mini-series follows Anne Shirley, a girl who was put up for
adoption and adopted by Matthew & Marilla Cuthbert, a brother and sister
living together and needed a boy to help them on their farm in the late 1800’s
on Prince Edward Island in Canada. Well,
they got a child, but obviously, a girl not a boy. Through the months and years, Anne showed her
willingness to be true to herself by getting into bad spots, stirring up antics
around town, etc. If you look at the evolution of this character
through the series, you’ll see that Anne goes from a girl with a troubled past
to a woman of true grit, thirst for life and passion to help others as well as
herself succeed. The older I’ve become,
the more I’ve seen of this attitude from people that you should do whatever you
want without feeling bad about, or living ‘a life of Riley’ as they say. Dance like nobody is watching! Wholehearted living is an ongoing goal for
myself – to be true to myself, my work and the people that love me and vice
versa. Prior to 2008, living in my truth
wasn’t in my vocabulary. It wasn’t until
coming out that I started to explore the possibility that coming out as gay
wasn’t an ending but a new beginning. If
you ask 99.8% of gay people who have come out, we pretty much have similar
stories. We spend most of our childhood
and teenage years confused at first, then scared then unsure of what path we
are supposed to take. Should we tell
people, speak our truth and live it wholeheartedly? For myself, the answer was very clear,
yes. Who am I living for if I cannot
live life as my most authentic and true version of myself? A few things happening once I came out: relationships got more ‘real’. It’s funny, when I first came out, I thought
to myself, “Oh God…. I am so going to lose friends and possibly family over
this!” And…. I didn’t, lol. The reality of it was that my relationships
got stronger, more honest and I felt like things were more ‘on the level’
because I wasn’t hiding anymore and tuning into my real self for the first
time. Second, I put myself on the line a
little more. I never was the guy to stand up for himself
unless it was life or death but coming out as gay kind of made me more edgy
because I knew that would HAVE to stand up for myself if I wanted to have a
voice. That voice which was once small
has erupted into a much louder one than I ever thought imagined that I would
have. In my life, I never wanted to
upset people by asking for what’s mine or what is the right choice, but you
tend to discover through your life that if you want things to change, you must
speak up and that’s something that I had to learn and am still learning. Lastly, I was more vulnerable with myself and
with others. Vulnerability, whether we
like to admit it or not is one of the cornerstones that connects us to one
another and most people need to practice it way more than they do. If you know me and my postings on
vulnerability, you know Brene Brown is my go-to guru for this topic.
Brene Brown is a master when it comes to all things emotion. She has written books and given numerous TEDx
talks on the topics of Vulnerability, Shame, Fear, Weakness and has studied
these emotions and how they affect what we do for years now. She says that we shouldn’t be drug down by
the concept of perfectionism and we should, instead lean into discomfort and
being vulnerable with each other because that is what is going to create those
long-lasting relationships that are strong.
There’s a few of those in my life that I have and what’s funny is that
the more I expose of my life to these people, the more they appreciate me for
all that I am and what makes me, well me!
Leading fitness classes and putting yourself and your talents on the
line is no easy task, especially when you have mild anxiety. Something most people don’t know is that
although I do make things look rather easy, a lot of prep work with myself
takes place beforehand and even on the spur of the moment. I’ve adopted this policy with myself that
basically says ‘dive in head first without a paddle’. At the end of the day, if I screw up or
things don’t turn out like I want them to, the only person that will be
disappointed is me and I’ve grown into a person that can accept failing with a
grain of salt to put on the proverbial wounds that the failing has caused.
The bottom line is that it’s a good thing to fail
sometimes, have people judge your work, give you that honest opinion on how
they think you did and then tell you how bad you sucked. But after they did that, they then help you
back on your feet, dust you off and tell you to get back in there and try it
again. If I didn’t fail all those times
where I wish I didn’t, I don’t think that I would be as appreciative for the
things and people that I have in my life right now. And the best part? I’m still kicking so there’s plenty more
failures to make and more room for improvement.
To quote a line from Maya Angelou’s Phenomenal wo’MAN’ lol, “When you
see me passing, it ought to make you proud….”
We’re all out there doing are thing and I’m no different, just know that
I’m cheering you on from the sidelines as I hope you are for me as well!
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