Life's messy. Embrace it.

*Disclaimer - I do not not own any of the photographs or video used in this blog. *

When I was in school for Social Work, I remember thinking in my Drug & Alcohol Counseling class, "Boy, there are a lot of F'ed up people in this world."  Later on in my college career, I found out that we're all F'ed up in the head in our own ways.  In my Research classes, I remember a lot of emphasis was put on human connections and relationships with one another.  Even though I loved this class because I was and am genuinely interested in human connection, I had a few reservations with it as well.  One thing my professor said over and over again was that 'if you couldn't measure it, it didn't exist.'  At the time, I agreed with it because the concept had made sense, right?  For something to exist, you should be able to measure it in some form.  Thinking about this entry for the past few days, that piece of advice from my professor crossed my mind.  In retrospect, the class actually was a forum for a mess of contradictions.  The goal of any Researcher is to be able to control and predict, but can you really control or even predict the connections and relationships that people will make in their lives?  Hopefully, by the end of this blog entry you will understand the need for connection, why we're guarded on issues and what it can take to truly start living a self-righteous life.

Social Workers live by a few mantras that are very practical for the work that they do.  The first is the title of this entry: Life's Messy; Embrace it.  And the second is Lean into the discomfort of the work.  At the connection is why we exist and are here.  Well, in going through my research classes, the data spoke for itself.  When people are usually asked about joy; they talk about sorrow.  When asked about pride; they discuss shame.  It was amazing really.  People were reaching out for comfort without coming right out and asking for it!  But before I go into all that, there's a pattern of how we react to certain situations in life emotionally.  We numb feelings.  We often don't find closure to things we need to finish dealing with.  We find shame in ourselves instead of cheering ourselves on.  We also play a lot of pretend as well.  Trying to be something we're not to create the illusion that we're better than what actually is.  There's two negative emotions that bring all this to fruition.  Shame and Guilt.  here's what these two heavy hitters cause us to do.  We've all felt the pangs of guilt before.  Guilt is you doing something wrong.  On the other side is shame, the ugly cousin to guilt.  Shame says "I am wrong.  I'm a mistake and I shouldn't exist."  People hardly ever expose feelings of guilt and shame because it makes us look vulnerable and weak.  People also want to create a perfect picture of the perfect life.  Well, aside from being totally delusional, it's also huge waste of time and energy.  The solution?  One of the ways we can open ourselves up to the concept of worthiness for ourselves is to start believing that we are worthy of love and acceptance for everything we should be entitled to.
time, this was totally opposite of the way I am now.  I was more of "Life is messy, clean it up and wrap it in a pretty box with a bow!  I loved the idea of human connection and why we do what we do to establish friendships in our lives.  Here's the Reader's Digest version:

Imagine your day for a moment:  You wake up, put on your 'armor' and trudge out into the world for the day.  That armor you wear each day prohibits you from being your authentic self and casts a large shadow on who you truly are meant to be.  We all act to some degree each day, usually out of protective instincts.  To guard us from the taunts of the petty and jealous.  Why not show people who you really are, without the armor?  Aren't you tired of fighting the internal battle with yourself?  How do we begin to take off the armor than?  One word:

Vulnerability.

I've spoken about this before.  Dr. Brene Brown has done extensive research in vulnerability and human connection for quite some time now.  She is a published author, researcher and has found out in the course of her research that if all we do is to 'show up' and have very little expectations for a certain situation, you open yourself up to being vulnerable because you don't know what's going to happen.  Somebody could tell you a million things you do well and only one you suck at;  what are you going to perseverate on?  That one thing that you can do better.  That's vulnerability.  Coping with disease, investing in a relationship that may or may not work out....this is when our armor is off and we are totally exposed.  Scary, yes but also it can be liberating as well as freeing.  Kind of like when you are naked, which if almost always scary and nerve-racking...unless your body is bangin'.  If you reach out to people with your worries and concerns, it'll actually bring you closer, creating a more trusting bond between you.  But, you should only share the intimate details of your life with those people who have earned the right to hear your story.  The trials of your life are precious and shouldn't be shared with just anyone.  Choose wisely!

I also wanted to tell you about one more emotion that puts you in a scary position.  Joy.  OMG, What??! Picture this: Your job is going great, the family is healthy and all your ducks are in a row.  How do you feel?  if you are like most, you probably think it's too good to be true, right?  Again, you're vulnerable.              Vulnerability is the gateway to all the other emotions we experience on a daily basis.

So what's my point in telling you all of this?  That in this technologically advanced world of people who really don't make as many face-to-face connections as they should, I'm going to tell you that we are hurting as a society and craving connection as well as validation from others.  The U.S. is the most obese, lazy, egocentric and over-medicated it has ever been and a lot of our problems could possibly be lessened if we started opening up to each other about the important stuff; really get down to the nitty gritty.  The only stopping you is your pride and willingness to be vulnerable.  Instead of pointing fingers at each other, we should welcome people with open arms.

In Dr. Brown's book, Daring Greatly, she quotes Benjamin Franklin's famous Man In The Arena quote:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. 

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

-Benjamin Franklin-